It has been two years since my last post and a lot has happened since!
Sagean and I were blessed a beautiful baby boy on June 14th, 2013. He has been a blessing to us! Sagean has also finished nursing school and now is a Registered Nurse. Dezmin and I are so proud of his hard work and accomplishments! He works hard for us so I can stay home and take care of Dezmin.
The main reason I felt like sharing this post is because I feel like I need to share what motherhood has taught me. Also, I'm I doing this motherhood thing right? Does any mother feel this way? Am I the only one who is going ape shiz? :)
Anyways, back to the point. Motherhood is down right scary, but very very rewarding. You can't help but think, am I raising my kid the right way? His he going to be ok? Did he try to eat sand? Is that....snot on me? Yup, it sure is!
Let me just say, I love being Dezmin's mom. I always worry about him. I'm sure all parents feel the same way about the kids. The constant worry is always there, and always on your mind. The million dollar question, "How can I keep them safe?" or "How can I protect them?" This beautiful boy of mine has taught me so much already. He is what makes me want to be a better person. I don't think of myself has a patient person, but he has taught me so much about patient then anyone ever could.
Dezmin has always been a happy boy. He reached all of his milestones of sitting up, crawling, and walking at great stages.
As a parent, I think we can all agree we never want to see our kids struggle. We always think, will they be "normal" like the other kids. Will they be accepted? Will they play sports, or play like the other kids? Is there a chance that my kid might have Autism? Yes, the A word....Autism.
It took me a while to admit that Dez was having some delays. I ignored the fact that he wouldn't respond to his name, or wouldn't make eye contact. I would get so mad and frustrated when my family would come up to me and say these things. I cried, My son is perfect, nothing is wrong with him. I was being selfish. I didn't want to admit that my son needed help. It wasn't till my family sat me down and said, he is having some delays, he does need help. That's when it hit me, like a ton of bricks. He does need help, and I have been my own little world trying to ignore the fact that he had delays. I've never felt so helpless and scared in my life.
I know Dez doesn't have any life threatening health concern, and that there are many other kids who are going through more trials than him, but I think any parent can agree that even a small thing trial that our kids go through can scare any parent to death.
We took Dezmin to a Pediatrician and he evaluated him. He told us that he does have some concerns and would like him evaluated by the infant and toddler program and maybe there cold be a chance he could have autism. Really? You couldn't have given me a plain, fast answer? I wanted to know right than and there. What do we need to do? How can I help my son. How can I protect him and keep him safe? How can I help prevent this? Those were things that went through my mind. We also got his hearing tested too. I had problems with my hearing and still to this day. I never thought that I wanted my son to have a hearing problem. Yes, I wanted my son to have a hearing problem instead of admitting that it could be something more complicated. I've never felt more selfish in my life. Hearing problems can be treated many ways. I thought, this will be easier than that "A" word. I wanted an easy way out.
He passsed! He passed his hearing test and can hear very well. I was so upset. Upset that my beautiful boy could hear? Really? How selfish is that? My mom, sister and the audiologist knew something was wrong. I was very short and wanted to leave. I should have been happy that my son could hear. Why was I acting this way? I still didn't want to admit that my son could have a big journey a head of him that I was scared to take with him. I was afraid to fail my son, but mostly, afraid what this trial could do to me as a parent. I wanted answers, and I wanted them fast!
Dezmin has been in the infant and toddler program for the past three months and we have seen so much improvement already. When they first evaluated him, and asked me developmental questions, I kept asking, "Well, is that normal?" "Is he going to be like the other kids his age?" Yes, again I was being selfish. There was this beautiful, fun, loving kid of mine and I was still being selfish. It was then I realized, he's perfect me and I love him no matter what? Normal? What the heck is "normal" anyways? If we were all the same, it would be pretty dang boring, am I right?
Each child will develop at their own pace. Some will talk earlier than others, some will walk earlier than others and so on and so forth. I kept thinking of this as a race. It's so much more than that. It is seeing him grow, and learn about the world around him. This is where my patient started to grow. I was motivated to help him and get where he needed to be. He is starting to show better eye contact and respond to his name a little bit better! I am so proud of him! The smallest accomplishment to him is a big victory to me. He is also starting to go to Camp HIPPO. For those who don't know what that is, please look it up! They do great things for kids who have a variety of disabilities. Today, is his first appointment with the occupational therapist and speech therapist. I am anxious to see what will happen, but so blessed that I can take him and be part of this wonderful journey. Yes, I never thought I would think of this of wonderful, but it is! I get to be his mom! A mom to a wonderful, fun, loving boy who wanted me to be his mom and this journey of his. I love his tight hugs and kisses that are hidden with snot, slobber and a little bit of smashed crackers.
"He is what God gave you. Love him for who is he is, not what he is." Amen. I couldn't agree more with this. I prayed and prayed to have beautiful boy like Dez! I chose him, and he chose us to be his parents. I am so blessed and honored to be his mom.
This month will be 14 years since Kassi has passed away. I still miss her like crazy! But, I know, that each day that passes, I'm one day closer to seeing her again. I know Kassi is Dezmin's guardian angel and has comforted us during this difficult time. I can't imagine how it is to lose a child, but I look at my parents, and they are my heroes. With all the heartache and sorrow they have gone through, they still have so much love to give, and I can see when they are around my Dezmin. They go above and beyond the title of grandparents. They are more than willing to help Dez with needs and would do anything for him. I know Kassi is always with us and is always watching over us. We have been blessed with wonderful family and friends.
To my wonderful family and friends, I thank you for everything that you have done for us! We love you!!
Well I better sign off, Dez is demanding a baba (bottle) and is trying to take apart the dvd player to watch Elmo!
Much love,
Kylee
P.s If you see me hunched in the fetal position on the floor, it's only because I can't get Sesame Street songs out of my head and the voice of Elmo will be the death of me. :)
