This is for all those who have experienced heartache 15 years ago today...

This day, 15 years ago changed my life and my family's life. This day 15 years ago, I was at my friends house having the time of my life and didn't think I would receive devastating news about my family.

You never think something like this can happen to you or your family. Why could God do this to a family? Why did you tear this family apart? How can we ever get through this? Yes, I did think those things. A 9 year old should never have to think about those things,but yes, I did.  It's hard to admit that I had those feelings. I was mad at my Heavenly Father. Why did our older sister have to leave two little sisters behind? Why did a daughter have to leave her parents? What was Heavenly Father's reason for taking two lives?

We may never know why Heavenly Father took two special kids from our lives, but what I do know is, that he needed them back for a more important mission. We may not why, but I know they are in good hands and continue to watch over our family and friends.

There are times I do wish Kassi was here. I wanted her here to tell her about my first crush, first kiss, my first heartbreak, graduation, engagements, weddings, and the birth of my son. Those are times I wish I could call her up and tell her everything. My heart aches and wishes she was here, but actually she is always around us. She always has been.

It has taken me while to accept that. I always wanted her to appear to me or to give me signs. I was selfish and wanted her to tell me everything was going to be ok. I would hear of lost loved ones appearing to their families and I wanted that too. I was jealous and angry. Why couldn't I have that too? But, I did. I see her in everything. I feel that she is with us when we gather with family, when we have trials and so many other things. I can feel her the most through my beautiful son, Dezmin.

I see her through everything Dezmin does. I know she played a big part of preparing Dezmin for me. She took care of him and got to spend time with him before he was sent to me. Dezmin did know his Aunt Kassi and did get to see her. She is always with him and she is his is guardian angel.

I also see Kassi through my little sister. Taylor is a great example to me and has grown into a beautiful woman. She was just little when Kassi passed away. So much heartache for a little girl, yet she acted like the older sister. When I had seizures, Taylor would sit by the bathroom when I would take a shower just to make sure I didn't have a seizure in the shower. I didn't know she did this till much later. If that isn't a role of a big sister, I don't know what is. She is more of a big sister than I am and she is a wonderful aunt to Dezmin. I know Kassi is with us by the way Taylor is an Aunt to my beautiful boy. She is filled with so much love towards him and she looks so much like Kassi. When Tay walked down the isle to be married to Chris, It felt like Kassi was right by her side. I couldn't help but cry. I know she is with you Tay! Always remember that.

My parents, they are my superhero's! They have gone through so much, and yet they are still together! Still going strong! I can't imagine losing child. Now that I have a child, this will always be a fear of mine. I look at my parents and realize how strong they had to be for our family. Not only did they lose their first kid, but they had to keep going on for two other kids. I know they must of felt like shutting down, but they kept going for me and Tay. I know they made huge sacrifices for us and I know that I can never repay them for that. I must say though, they make amazing grandparents!
I know Kassi is always with us through the love they give to their grandson. The love and care they have for Dezmin shows me that Kassi is always with us.

It has taken me a while to grasp this. Of course I would love more signs or a visit from Kassi, but I know she is here. These are her signs! She helped me find my wonderful husband, and blessed me with a wonderful child.

I also see Kassi through my Cousin Kristina. Kristina, I am so glad you are still with us today! I can't imagine what you had to go through. My heart aches for you, but you are so strong! I know those scars on your body is a constant reminder of what happened 15 years, but it shows that you survived that and that you can survive anything that comes your way. I am so proud of you and the mother that you have become. I know Kassi and Dusty are with you Always! Thanks for everything that you do!

Bodkin Family, you guys are in my thoughts and prayers always! Dusty was a great guy and had a great sense of humor! I know he is with you guys too in everything that you do.

To everyone who has lost a loved one, you are strong! I know you may want signs or to see your lost loved one again, But I have testimony that they are always with you. They are with you in everything that you do. Always look for those signs. Those signs are through your family, your children and also at times when you feel like you can't go on.

Kassi, I can't wait to see you again. Everyday that passes by, I am one day closer to seeing you!
I miss you and love you so so much.

Till we meet again Kassi,

Kylee

---

1. God be with you till we meet again; 
 by his counsels guide, uphold you, 
 with his sheep securely fold you; 
 God be with you till we meet again. 
Refrain:
 Till we meet, till we meet, 
 till we meet at Jesus' feet;
 till we meet, till we meet, 
 God be with you till we meet again. 

2. God be with you till we meet again;
 neath his wings securely hide you, 
 daily manna still provide you; 
 God be with you till we meet again. 
 (Refrain) 

3. God be with you till we meet again; 
 when life's perils thick confound you,
 put his arms unfailing round you; 
 God be with you till we meet again. 
 (Refrain) 

4. God be with you till we meet again; 
 keep love's banner floating o'er you, 
 smite death's threatening wave before you; 
 God be with you till we meet again.

Motherhood: Because having your own food, drink, shower, bed and bathroom would be so over rated.

           Yes, I am getting back on the blog bandwagon again, but I'll try not to bore you to death.

It has been two years since my last post and a lot has happened since!

           Sagean and I were blessed a beautiful baby boy on June 14th, 2013. He has been a blessing to us! Sagean has also finished nursing school and now is a Registered Nurse. Dezmin and I are so proud of his hard work and accomplishments! He works hard for us so I can stay home and take care of Dezmin.

         The main reason I felt like sharing this post is because I feel like I need to share what motherhood has taught me. Also, I'm I doing this motherhood thing right? Does any mother feel this way? Am I the only one who is going ape shiz? :)

          Anyways, back to the point. Motherhood is down right scary, but very very rewarding. You can't help but think, am I raising my kid the right way? His he going to be ok? Did he try to eat sand? Is that....snot on me? Yup, it sure is! 

          Let me just say, I love being Dezmin's mom. I always worry about him. I'm sure all parents feel the same way about the kids. The constant worry is always there, and always on your mind. The million dollar question, "How can I keep them safe?" or "How can I protect them?" This beautiful boy of mine has taught me so much already. He is what makes me want to be a better person.  I don't think of myself has a patient person, but he has taught me so much about patient then anyone ever could. 

        Dezmin has always been a happy boy. He reached all of his milestones of sitting up, crawling, and walking at great stages. 

        

        As a parent, I think we can all agree we never want to see our kids struggle. We always think, will they be "normal" like the other kids. Will they be accepted? Will they play sports, or play like the other kids? Is there a chance that my kid might have Autism? Yes, the A word....Autism.

        It took me a while to admit that Dez was having some delays. I ignored the fact that he wouldn't respond to his name, or wouldn't make eye contact. I would get so mad and frustrated when my family would come up to me and say these things. I cried, My son is perfect, nothing is wrong with him. I was being selfish. I didn't want to admit that my son needed help. It wasn't till my family sat me down and said, he is having some delays, he does need help. That's when it hit me, like a ton of bricks. He does need help, and I have been my own little world trying to ignore the fact that he had delays. I've never felt so helpless and scared in my life.

      I know Dez doesn't have any life threatening health concern, and that there are many other kids who are going through more trials than him, but I think any parent can agree that even a small thing trial that our kids go through can scare any parent to death. 

      We took Dezmin to a Pediatrician and he evaluated him. He told us that he does have some concerns and would like him evaluated by the infant and toddler program and maybe there cold be a chance he could have autism. Really? You couldn't have given me a plain, fast answer? I wanted to know right than and there. What do we need to do? How can I help my son. How can I protect him and keep him safe? How can I help prevent this? Those were things that went through my mind. We also got his hearing tested too. I had problems with my hearing and still to this day. I never thought that I wanted my son to have a hearing problem. Yes, I wanted my son to have a hearing problem instead of admitting that it could be something more complicated. I've never felt more selfish in my life. Hearing problems can be treated many ways. I thought, this will be easier than that "A" word. I wanted an easy way out.

     He passsed! He passed his hearing test and can hear very well. I was so upset. Upset that my beautiful boy could hear? Really? How selfish is that? My mom, sister and the audiologist knew something was wrong. I was very short and wanted to leave. I should have been happy that my son could hear. Why was I acting this way? I still didn't want to admit that my son could have a big journey a head of him that I was scared to take with him. I was afraid to fail my son, but mostly, afraid what this trial could do to me as a parent. I wanted answers, and I wanted them fast!

     Dezmin has been in the infant and toddler program for the past three months and we have seen so much improvement already. When they first evaluated him, and asked me developmental questions, I kept asking, "Well, is that normal?" "Is he going to be like the other kids his age?" Yes, again I was being selfish. There was this beautiful, fun, loving kid of mine and I was still being selfish. It was then I realized, he's perfect me and I love him no matter what? Normal? What the heck is "normal" anyways? If we were all the same, it would be pretty dang boring, am I right?  

    Each child will develop at their own pace. Some will talk earlier than others, some will walk earlier than others and so on and so forth. I kept thinking of this as a race. It's so much more than that. It is seeing him grow, and learn about the world around him. This is where my patient started to grow. I was motivated to help him and get where he needed to be. He is starting to show better eye contact and respond to his name a little bit better! I am so proud of him! The smallest accomplishment to him is a big victory to me. He is also starting to go to Camp HIPPO. For those who don't know what that is, please look it up! They do great things for kids who have a variety of disabilities. Today, is his first  appointment with the occupational therapist and speech therapist. I am anxious to see what will happen, but so blessed that I can take him and be part of this wonderful journey. Yes, I never thought I would think of this of wonderful, but it is! I get to be his mom! A mom to a wonderful, fun, loving boy who wanted me to be his mom and this journey of his. I love his tight hugs and kisses that are hidden with snot, slobber and a little bit of smashed crackers.  

   "He is what God gave you. Love him for who is he is, not what he is." Amen. I couldn't agree more with this. I prayed and prayed to have beautiful boy like Dez! I chose him, and he chose us to be his parents. I am so blessed and honored to be his mom. 

     This month will be 14 years since Kassi has passed away. I still miss her like crazy! But, I know, that each day that passes, I'm one day closer to seeing her again. I know Kassi is Dezmin's guardian angel and has comforted us during this difficult time. I can't imagine how it is to lose a child, but I look at my parents, and they are my heroes. With all the heartache and sorrow they have gone through, they still have so much love to give, and I can see when they are around my Dezmin. They go above and beyond the title of grandparents. They are more than willing to help Dez with needs and   would do anything for him. I know Kassi is always with us and is always watching over us. We have been blessed with wonderful family and friends. 

     To my wonderful family and friends, I thank you for everything that you have done for us! We love you!!

Well I better sign off, Dez is demanding a baba (bottle) and is trying to take apart the dvd player to watch Elmo!

Much love,  

Kylee

P.s If you see me hunched in the fetal position on the floor, it's only because I can't get Sesame Street songs out of my head and the voice of Elmo will be the death of me. :)